Choose. Episode I.

It had taken her all day, and all day was too long. She knew it to be so, but it was out of her control, so, she went with it. She let her feet tap against the pavement, every step further away from herself. Music blasted through the soft pillow-like headphones smothering her ears. SCREAM IT OUT, she encouraged the angered man yelling beautiful tragedies to a screaming guitar. The rain played out the scene perfectly. She was in a movie. Okay, she wasn’t, but everything felt so unreal. The numbness was earth shattering and she couldn’t feel herself moving. Somehow, she ended up in front of a familiar building; practically a second home. The life of a full-time student was no easy feat- especially when trying to balance a home life and relationship. Something was bound to fall she sulked internally. Her feet moved quicker than her brain, and again, she found herself wandering through the tall hallways of the college. Where was she going? Why was she still walking? Her body continued to muster no feelings, her emotions ablaze in her soul, her heart in a heap of ash. How did things get so bad? The answers flew around her head all at once, sending her tunneling into a misty fray. Her body, however, had auto steered itself into the library and at a round table near the back of the gigantic hall. She flung her wet backpack to the ground and curled her knees towards her chin. The music couldn’t drown it out. Her mind’s mouth was running a million miles a second and she couldn’t keep up. She wanted to scream. SHUT UP! The music paused. The world went black.

~~~~~~~

Finally, the clouds broke through. Nothing made sense, but everything had a reason, a purpose. Logical she reminded herself. Her eyes went stale as they glazed the white van sitting in the driveway. The closer she got to it, the more her palms sweat. Admit my mistake, explain my actions, apologize if necessary. She made it past the van and stood, face to face, with the front door. The anxiety that formed from putting her key into the door handle could’ve have stunned a rabid wolf. Twist and open. A reminder seemed necessary. Lemons and lavender. He was cleaning. Oh no, this is worse than ever. She knew she shouldn’t leave again, but she wanted to. Facing criticism or confrontation of any sort was not her forte. Just do it. She hadn’t realized her inner battles had over-passed seven minutes and she’d been standing in the front of the closet. Her autopilot had kicked in again and managed to put away her things, and even hang her coat. Her feet felt stuck. She looked down to ensure there was no cement, and indeed, there was not. She lifted her feet, one in front of the other, until she finally saw a glimpse of him. He stood, top half of his body in the bathroom, the other in the hall. She could hear the sloshing of water in the mop bucket. Her left foot landed with a thud. He peeked his head out. Oh no, I forgot to figure out what to say first. Panic ensued. Three seconds felt like twenty minutes. She stumbled but managed. “Can we talk?”

~~~~~~

Right? That makes sense. Yeah!…. right?
 She explained herself. She had tried to make amends. I made an effort. An honest effort.  Her eyes sunk into her skull. The silence in-between was thick, but the response was thicker. “I don’t even care.” That hurt. The words made her fall. She spun, around and around, out of control. Words kept coming, but her ears were suddenly clogged. There was a tornado in the room, and it was her. The nausea was real; she could puke if it got any worse. She would puke if it got any worse. This is not what I meant. She had imagined it totally different. She had pictured her walking in, brave though; not all small and shy like she actually had, making eye contact, and fixing it right then. Then he would be happy that she finally got it right, that she understood. Then they’d walk together, tip toeing at first, because the feelings were raw for them both. He’d make a joke, or maybe even her, just to see the other person smile. Her blood warmed just imagining, and for a second-just a second, she’d forgotten that none of it happened that way. He was fuming at her and his feelings were valid. Now what?

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Time had passed yet she remained. Once again, her automotive skills had reprieved her. She awoke in front of the stove. The oven emitted a sinfully delicious smell. I have been craving this for weeks. Perfect timing for something to go right. The timer beeped for what she could only assume was the southern style barbecue chicken bathing neatly in the dish. The kids are quiet. She had to snap out of it. Out of habit, she didn’t like to sulk in front of the children. She would rather approach as if all problems were just speed bumps- they’ll end eventually and smoothly…most of the time. She eye-rolled herself. Dinner went without a hassle and the little ones were oddly out-of-character – they were listening. On par when love is dying before my eyes. He was still ignoring me, avoiding me, passing through me, killing me. She made him a plate of food. I care if you’re hungry even if we argued, you fool.  Immediately her head went with the cinematic roll of his fancy plate as she carried it angelically across the living room to where he sat on the couch. She’d do a soft smile –NOT NOW! She scolded herself. His eye contact was softer, but still hesitant. Either way, she saw hope…she wanted to see hope. She needed to see hope.
She isn’t ready for this to be over. She wants to fight! She is going to fight. I AM GOING TO FIGHT! I am her! She is me. Me is you.

 

So, you choose. What’s next?

 

A.   She goes forth with a peace offering- black leather lingerie and Pinot Grigio. Perhaps  closeness of a provocative nature could rekindle their love?

 

OR

 

B.    He goes off to work the night shift and she turns in early. Maybe if she sleeps on it, and he takes space from it, it will work itself out?

 

Comment below how you think it should go.  Each “vote” will be considered towards the next episode.

I’ll Stay Until I Can’t

Can I stay
and lose my mind in everything that you are
because it doesn’t take much

At some point you’ll feel it
too, the electricity
lighting up my heart so bright

But it’ll be the end of me
the day you realize your current
wasn’t permanent

Just a temporary jolt
to make you realize that what you really need
what you really want

isn’t me.

One Hundred Degrees of Heartache

I don’t think I’ll survive here

Not with this kind of weather

Sweltering heat spread

thin like jam across my cheeks

Burnt pink

A little aloe goes a long way

but won’t take the flames from

your words, which are just as hot

Salty showers soak my forehead creases

While my furrowed brow struggles

to provide shade and understanding

to my confusion

Between you and me, I’ll be gone

by tomorrow

Like the breeze, I’ll blow through

Just enough to say I was here,

But not worth chasing

Tattle Tell

I had to say it

I was bursting, my tongue thirsting

to touch palate

to form sounds and make words

Even though she warned me not too

My lips tingled, my adrenaline soared

And then he said it again

That word we’re not supposed to say

I felt my hands form rivers

Waterfalls pounded down my temples

Holding it all in

My throat ached

It hurt so bad with all those words pushing to escape

They banged against my vocal chords so hard that I needed

a big gulp of air

and when my lips peeled back

it all came out.

“MAAA, KENNY SAID “DAMN” AGAIN!’

Oops.

Cheater

Its stunning
a brilliant disaster covered in
kisses and sweet nothings
A gutsy laugh from the bellows
of regret escapes his tantalizing tongue
He says all the right things
and she feels all the right ways
but honesty is fearless
bold and loud
It snakes into the cerebellum
flipping the switch on the twinges of guilt
felt during each embrace
You are not each others
but stolen time from broken commitment
Beneath the shadow  of the sun,
midday,
you sneak and sway, torturing time with lies
and smiles, unfair
while the suffocation of unreturned love
twists into the lungs of both betrothed
unbeknown to one another that they’re
dying of the same lack of breath

I’m going to say my secrets

That I find too hard to keep

Its

Been like hell, the lies that people

Spew, to make themselves feel equal

But this is about me

About the bullshit that makes my eyes brown

See, I’m not even from this town

Hidden away is slick slur of my words from the intoxicating south

I’ve manipulated my mouth to speak with eloquence

But I’m a Georgia Peach, home of where they sweaty gospels and hospitality

Manners a formality

But in reality the babysitter will sneak a grab of your privacy

Smile to the face of your parents, a bold threat behind crooked teeth whispering murderous lies to me

But I stayed silent

Avoid the violence just act more responsibly and a sitter won’t be needed, then i could look after me