It had taken her all day, and all day was too long. She knew it to be so, but it was out of her control, so, she went with it. She let her feet tap against the pavement, every step further away from herself. Music blasted through the soft pillow-like headphones smothering her ears. SCREAM IT OUT, she encouraged the angered man yelling beautiful tragedies to a screaming guitar. The rain played out the scene perfectly. She was in a movie. Okay, she wasn’t, but everything felt so unreal. The numbness was earth shattering and she couldn’t feel herself moving. Somehow, she ended up in front of a familiar building; practically a second home. The life of a full-time student was no easy feat- especially when trying to balance a home life and relationship. Something was bound to fall she sulked internally. Her feet moved quicker than her brain, and again, she found herself wandering through the tall hallways of the college. Where was she going? Why was she still walking? Her body continued to muster no feelings, her emotions ablaze in her soul, her heart in a heap of ash. How did things get so bad? The answers flew around her head all at once, sending her tunneling into a misty fray. Her body, however, had auto steered itself into the library and at a round table near the back of the gigantic hall. She flung her wet backpack to the ground and curled her knees towards her chin. The music couldn’t drown it out. Her mind’s mouth was running a million miles a second and she couldn’t keep up. She wanted to scream. SHUT UP! The music paused. The world went black.
Finally, the clouds broke through. Nothing made sense, but everything had a reason, a purpose. Logical she reminded herself. Her eyes went stale as they glazed the white van sitting in the driveway. The closer she got to it, the more her palms sweat. Admit my mistake, explain my actions, apologize if necessary. She made it past the van and stood, face to face, with the front door. The anxiety that formed from putting her key into the door handle could’ve have stunned a rabid wolf. Twist and open. A reminder seemed necessary. Lemons and lavender. He was cleaning. Oh no, this is worse than ever. She knew she shouldn’t leave again, but she wanted to. Facing criticism or confrontation of any sort was not her forte. Just do it. She hadn’t realized her inner battles had over-passed seven minutes and she’d been standing in the front of the closet. Her autopilot had kicked in again and managed to put away her things, and even hang her coat. Her feet felt stuck. She looked down to ensure there was no cement, and indeed, there was not. She lifted her feet, one in front of the other, until she finally saw a glimpse of him. He stood, top half of his body in the bathroom, the other in the hall. She could hear the sloshing of water in the mop bucket. Her left foot landed with a thud. He peeked his head out. Oh no, I forgot to figure out what to say first. Panic ensued. Three seconds felt like twenty minutes. She stumbled but managed. “Can we talk?”
Right? That makes sense. Yeah!…. right?
She explained herself. She had tried to make amends. I made an effort. An honest effort. Her eyes sunk into her skull. The silence in-between was thick, but the response was thicker. “I don’t even care.” That hurt. The words made her fall. She spun, around and around, out of control. Words kept coming, but her ears were suddenly clogged. There was a tornado in the room, and it was her. The nausea was real; she could puke if it got any worse. She would puke if it got any worse. This is not what I meant. She had imagined it totally different. She had pictured her walking in, brave though; not all small and shy like she actually had, making eye contact, and fixing it right then. Then he would be happy that she finally got it right, that she understood. Then they’d walk together, tip toeing at first, because the feelings were raw for them both. He’d make a joke, or maybe even her, just to see the other person smile. Her blood warmed just imagining, and for a second-just a second, she’d forgotten that none of it happened that way. He was fuming at her and his feelings were valid. Now what?
Time had passed yet she remained. Once again, her automotive skills had reprieved her. She awoke in front of the stove. The oven emitted a sinfully delicious smell. I have been craving this for weeks. Perfect timing for something to go right. The timer beeped for what she could only assume was the southern style barbecue chicken bathing neatly in the dish. The kids are quiet. She had to snap out of it. Out of habit, she didn’t like to sulk in front of the children. She would rather approach as if all problems were just speed bumps- they’ll end eventually and smoothly…most of the time. She eye-rolled herself. Dinner went without a hassle and the little ones were oddly out-of-character – they were listening. On par when love is dying before my eyes. He was still ignoring me, avoiding me, passing through me, killing me. She made him a plate of food. I care if you’re hungry even if we argued, you fool. Immediately her head went with the cinematic roll of his fancy plate as she carried it angelically across the living room to where he sat on the couch. She’d do a soft smile –NOT NOW! She scolded herself. His eye contact was softer, but still hesitant. Either way, she saw hope…she wanted to see hope. She needed to see hope.
She isn’t ready for this to be over. She wants to fight! She is going to fight. I AM GOING TO FIGHT! I am her! She is me. Me is you.
So, you choose. What’s next?
A. She goes forth with a peace offering- black leather lingerie and Pinot Grigio. Perhaps closeness of a provocative nature could rekindle their love?
B. He goes off to work the night shift and she turns in early. Maybe if she sleeps on it, and he takes space from it, it will work itself out?
Comment below how you think it should go. Each “vote” will be considered towards the next episode.