I Knew She Was A Mom

I knew she was a mom because she wore clothes that had stains in strange places.
I specifically remember the small, sort of textured, white stain streaked like a chef’s sauce perfectly along her left shoulder blade, signifying the infant she likely had awaiting her at home.
Her long brown hair was in a disheveled ponytail, just covering the edge of what looked to be a dragon tail tattoo; a reminder of her spontaneity. Her basket dangled from her forearm. In it sat two boxes of spaghetti noodles, a container of wipes, and a carton of almond milk. She leafed casually through a copy of Women’s Health Magazine as she patiently awaited her turn in line.
Her face showed calm, relaxed almost- the quick trip to the market possibly the only break she’d get that day.
I listened as she talked to the cashier during her turn to checkout. I noticed how humorously she spoke of her three year old’s obsession for pasta based dinners; how it was going to be her second pasta meal in three days. She laughed as she joked on likely returning sooner than later for more noodles before she casually strolled out of the automatic doors and into the parking lot.
Her smile still showed as she got into her van parked neatly in the closest parking spot to the store entrance.
I knew she was a mom because she was. She wore it proudly (and probably unknowingly on the back of her blue t-shirt) and she wore it well.

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Ballet

I danced in the shadows
Pliéd along the sword like razors
of Bachs final symphony
The notes, withered and worn, accompanied my
fragile frame as it swayed
Crooked and raw
Toes pointed to hell
Head raised to the heavens
Clammy palms gripped to the barre like a magnet to steel
The darkness beneath my feet
Mimicking, mirroring, the moves as fluid as water
A silky smooth transition from allongé to cambre
Adagio
A long ache stumbles through me
Pained and broken, I cave
Legs withdrawn beneath my bosom
For the strength required floats aimlessly abroad
And here I’ll lay
A ballerina to the shadows
The feast amongst the darkness

 

Relapse

Staring into space

Waiting to be remembered

Mobile on the ceiling

Spinning into dust

Walls the separator

White gold strewn on the table

Leaned awkward on the stranger

For whom there is no trust

A plea heard from the distance

Of babbles, a faint  scream

Reality that there’s others

A temporary dream

Lost lives are a misfortune

Mistakes, a lesson learned

Withdrawal  begs  a relapse

Addiction is forewarned

 

I Asked For It

I asked for it
that lustful stare
because my skirt reached just to there
on a hot day where the boys could wear
tank tops
to ease their sweat drops
but my clothes begged their cat calls
their ridicules and sexual glares
but those that heard didn’t care
because
I asked for it
at that party the other night
after me and my boyfriend had a fight
I drank a few more than usual
and left myself in quite the mess
I was depressed
and unaware
completely clueless to his stare or the
moment that he slipped his hands beneath my dress
awoke the next morning, naked
my confidence so much less but
I asked for it
the quick feel to my backside
because I was cursed with curves that show
no matter the fabric of the clothes
and though that bus was far from cramped
he stood behind me
pressed up so close , his breath scratched my skin
and I felt his frustration in his pants
as we crossed the train track
I took two steps forward
he took two steps back
towards me
and the man in the seat three chairs down said nothing
just the awkward glance of pity while I rode through the city
uncomfortable but only because
I asked for it
when no meant yes to him
because I agreed to being intimate but
not the way he wanted it
I cried out for him to stop
it wasn’t right, I shouldn’t hurt
He stuffed my mouth with his shirt
ignored the tears in my eyes as our intimate
date turned into a rape
and he assured me after that “everything was great”
because after all
I asked for it
when my daughter came home in tears
after a classmate made my fears a reality
he dismantled her after she refused his company
in front of his friends
took it upon himself to expose her breast
ripped her shirt from her chest
and with a cocky grin
warned her not to embarrass him again
or he would do her worse because
she asked for it

 

A Lover’s Quarrel

Dearest Lover,
Whisper in the evening
All the ways that we make sense
Sneak away from your dear spouse
When the sun breaks above the fence
Grip your hands around my waist
Your eyes ablaze from sinful lust
Temptation worn from morn to noon
A break in your dear spouse’s trust
When feelings catch like fish to bait
A quick escape plots through your mind
It’s but an hour I will wait
Until you seek our stolen time
Xoxo, Her

Dear Lover,
A twist and turn between the sheets
while satisfied, means not of love
It’s my betrothed that I’ve avowed
and will fulfill come push or shove
The moments shared so full of shame
though craved must come now to an end
For feelings felt cause quite the stir
The heart’s the hardest thing to mend
Though you may catch my longing glance
to steal a moment raw and wrong
A stronger will has been instilled
Lust fades away, so thus, so ‘long
Xo, Him

Dearest Lover,
What’s a goodbye without some skin exposed in coitus, pure and true
If honesty were to be pressed
I love you and you love me too
The drive to dodge is natural when two wrongs make the perfect right
Guilt breeds most fear, I understand
So we should meet when moon shows bright
A shock runs rampant through my veins
Your lingered touch so much the cause
I know that you have felt the same
Your heart fell victim to love’s laws
If it’s goodbye you still persist
Your promise false of us to come
It’s me you’ll never see again
Though easier said than will be done
Xoxo, Her

Dear Lover,
Please understand there’s no regret
The time we’ve shared won’t be erased
My truest self had been revealed
whenever my eyes met your face
And what I feel has no real place as we had formed out of a lie
I’ll meet you where we used to go
If nothing more to say goodbye
The time will pass and you will find that in my absence you have won
You’re something special, that rings true
But me, my love, I’m not the one
Xo, Him

Dearest Love,
And so it’s true, you’ve chosen her
I guess it’s meant to be this way
But I can’t help but feel so used
After the things you used to say
The trips to sea-shell filled lost islands
and all the riches that you swore
How you said one day I’d be yours as we picked rings out at the store
More than just sex, it was each other
I know that everything was real
But now I must break my own heart and deny how you make me feel
Thank you for the best times I’ve had and the worst nights that’s sure to come
You may not feel like it right now, but know to me, you were the one
Xoxo, Her No Longer

Bad Love

I was supposed to scream stop
but I didn’t
My voice wouldn’t come out because I knew you
or I thought I did
Before your fingers found my throat and wrapped around me like a coat
I was sure you’d be the father to my kid
or at least you were supposed to be
But I didn’t tell you about it because that night you came home
higher than a sky scraper
And pulled me out of bed
shoved my shirt over my head
and stole my choices from me
Ripped my heart apart like paper
and my legs
The next day I did the thing I can’t say
because for once I caught a glimpse of what the future might hold
It was clear I had to get away
The tears and the blood flowed evenly for days
and you made that comment about PMS
Threw a chocolate bar at my face
and told me to stay away
until I was useful again
My womb leaked down my legs from unborn innocence
while your lust drove you mad
Raunchy comments and crude jesters made me more than uncomfortable
But it didn’t matter as long as the sex was had
for you at least
I didn’t know it could hurt to hate someone I thought I loved
The anger was there in small doses but I’d gotten used to your punches and your shoves
Finally mustered up some liquid courage
to slur out my demands
that I was done catching the blows After you sucked that powder up your nose
you laughed and said I’d need a man
eventually anyway
and that I wasn’t going anywhere
Remember the night I packed?
You grabbed my bags right out of my hands and threw them across the room along with my body
but I still left anyway
Crept down the stairs, scared and bruised
and embraced the December wind without a sweater because you hid it that day
And I cried hard that night because I thought I missed you
because I thought I knew that those were things you wouldn’t do

When She’s Broken

She ripped the dangling piece from her chest
And stored it with the others
The fragments he’d shattered varied in size
In shape
In places broken from
She shoved the shards away, careful not to self inflict
Again
His words were daggers but her thoughts were bullets
And it was hard to protect herself from her and him
The bits of her that remained hung crooked
Jagged edges forming her delicate frame
Scarred and scared she had pieced together her remnants
A puzzle missing pieces
And returned what was left of her to him
A target across her heart