In-between Grief

I’m sorry you’re here

And you can’t leave this place

Your hearts tied between moving

Forward and remembering their face

In every case where

You’ve tried

Then you cried

Cause they lied when they said it’d be okay

That while you won’t forget the day

You’ll somehow figure out how to live again

When you barely want to breathe again

It’s like sharp glass to the lungs under water

Trapped in your life and you won’t be free again

They swore that you’d be “you” again

It’s only a matter of time

But you struggle each minute passing

And I’m so sorry

That you cannot leave this place

Where your only hope from day to day

Is to see their face

Please Be A Nightmare

My head is too loud
and it’s going too fast about things
that I don’t want to be real

but what I want doesn’t matter and hasn’t for a while
and that’s been fine until now
and all I can ask for
just this one time
is for it all to be a nightmare

because this can’t be a dream
and even nightmares don’t last forever
at some point the dreamer wakes up in a stupor
with a sweat on their brow, surrounded by their pillows
and the realization that none of it was real
that it was all in their heads
where it belongs, where it should stay
because the way this bad news screams
the way it drowns out every instinctual distraction
and each attempt to compartmentalize these feelings
into the box way in the back
where it’s too dark and dusty to see
and too old to speak or hear
each attempt blocked by the louder voice in my head
shouting to be seen
screaming “this is real”
so loud that its deafening

my heart can feel each syllable of every word
and with every beat, it rips that much more
and I convince myself that if I hold it together just a little longer
I’ll get to the part where none of this were real
and everything will go back to before

and then there’s that incessant noise of truth again
shifting the blood in my veins like the waves in a storm
clashing against my skin
sending me into a dizzy mess within myself
shushing the thunderous voice in my head
as I gasp for air
and beg for this all to be a nightmare

Unforgiving Exit

I let it slide down the centre of my wrist
a bloody escape of pressure built up for years
finally evident across the bathroom linoleum
I wanted to cry but could only muster a whimper
The sparkling velvet droplets of my life crawled down my arm
faster and faster as the seconds melted by
I couldn’t feel their tickle but I imagined it
as they left a crimson trail towards my elbow
A fatigue washed over me, heavy
but I swear I felt more alive than ever
A reel of memories streamed on the door across
the green scruffy towel I used every morning
I watched my six year old self blow out the candles
on my piano shaped cake
My mom was still there, and dad was happy again
I felt my throat tighten and lose its moisture
but the reels played on
So I watched
Stared at myself giggling behind the curtain as
my mother’s boisterous voice granted me
the best “hidder” in Hide and Seek
It skipped to my father sitting at the table
surrounded by papers, hands on his head
he was crying now
and mom, where was mom?
I felt a sting coming from my arms
I looked away from my past and
down at the present, where my arms poured
my life onto the floor
My breaths were shaky as the feeling of
regret pushed itself into question
I let my eyes close for a second
only to see my parents standing in front of me
smiling at me, telling me its all okay
They pulled me into a hug
and I swear I felt it
The warmth embrace of their arms
and I didn’t want to let them go
So
I didn’t

---

*Please note, I am fine-this was written from old feelings of an old memory/multiple experiences.

However, if you or anyone you know struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts, or self-harm, please talk with someone.

Ballet

I danced in the shadows
Pliéd along the sword like razors
of Bach’s final symphony
The notes, withered and worn, accompanied my
fragile frame as it swayed
Crooked and raw
Toes pointed to hell
Head raised to the heavens
Clammy palms gripped to the barre like a magnet to steel
The darkness beneath my feet
Mimicking, mirroring, the moves as fluid as water
A silky smooth transition from allongé to cambre
Adagio
A long ache stumbles through me
Pained and broken, I cave
Legs withdrawn beneath my bosom
For the strength required floats aimlessly abroad
And here I’ll lay
A ballerina to the shadows
The feast amongst the darkness

Crystallizing Moments: ix.

She had chipped away at herself
Fragments in piles at her feet
But she was okay
Having forgotten how to make up her own mind
She’d nod along in agreement with everything
Smiling, she was okay
The ache in her skin was confusing
Nothing about herself felt familiar
And it’d been too long that she had been okay
Until she wasn’t
And when they found her
Eyes empty, wrists carved with denial from the bludgeoned shards of her former self
They would know that she was never okay
That okay was simply a lie

Harsh

Behind the burnt brown of her gaze struck a piercing notion
that she’d never survive the outcome of the commotion; she’s tangled in
a web so intricately knotted that her only hope fell on the sharp
wit and reliance of others to notice
she’s there, but actually nowhere near alive
cause she’s died inside on multiple occasions where he’d show his love through a stream of abrasions and
black and blue reminders that running was no option unless she craved a coffin,
and so each night, curled up on a bed made of false hopes and lies and the tears from her eyes, she’d wait,
anticipating each blow to her shattered self pieced together with leftover tape from the night before,
a sticky mess he’d ignore as he feasted on her oozing heart
while she laid lifeless, the brown in her eyes fading to black.

Literary Clique

A group of various poems that I feel are too short for their own post, so I jammed them all in one.

[1]. “What can I do
to become relevant again?”
I ask to my audience of zero,
as I find myself alone once more.

[2]. She had the frame that shook the world with envy
Eyes more furtive than a true magician
And when strangers approached her rather gently
She’d slice their throats and store them in her kitchen

[3]. No, he doesn’t know that I haven’t been sure for a while
And he won’t if its left up to me
I haven’t the heart to tell him
that I’m not who I used to be.

[4]. Splattering the room like a pot of dropped water,
the blood pours from the gaping wound atop the left of my breast
I don’t feel the maggots nestling beneath my aortic valves
To feel would imply that I am not numb
When I’ve been drunk on pain for as long as I can remember

[5]. They’ll look, they’ll stare as if I’m on display
though I’m merely strolling the sidewalks of the city
“Did you see that?” they’ll laugh as they turn to walk away
Oblivious that my differences make me feel pretty

[6]. Cobwebs in the afternoon trap my nightmares
Feasted on the spiders of the day
Catching flies in payment of our timeshare
A deal made when the devil comes to play

[7]. I’ll grab you by the neck in a cold attempt
to finish you
Your body, stiff, and doesn’t expect a polite
conversation
We’ll engage, there’s no time for introductions
Throwing your hat to the floor, your jugular sweat
running down the tips of my fingers
I force you towards my face
With no resistance from you,
and down your suds without a hint of regret.
A satisfying belch and a slammed fist to the table
signifies to your keeper that I’m ready for another.
“Another brewski, will ya?”

Professing To The Deep

Engaged in the commotion of the slamming of the ocean
against the shoreline,
time slips into slow motion
as I dwell on the emotions,
tripping on the fatal notion
that the end is drawing near
and I am left with the misfortune
to decide
why is that I live to contradict myself
and lie
to protect the fallacies developed for the sake
that I
am no better than the fabric of my sweater,
going for the extra measure just to outlive this bad weather,
life is treasure,
but I’ve ruined the pleasure of seizing moments passing by,
I’ve gotten better but still surrender to the promptings of the sly,
giving away my full self stupidly and then wishing for my demise,
bad habits know no better home than what I willingly provide,
retreating back to the same patterns that I can’t just brush aside
and I am split on the inside;
two halves, much like Jekyll and Hyde
these complications ripple through me, feelings no substance could disguise
and so I’ll wash myself away with the high rising of the tide.

Just Say When

Its been twenty-four hours
that we’ve been together,
Under strict supervision
she’d pass me on to others,
gripping me tightly when returned;
Less full than before
but still relevant,
We roamed the streets
in a stupor, walking towards
nowhere on the coldest
night of summer,
Her, stealing a swig
from my lips
quenching the thirst of
her gnawing depression,
coddling me nearest her heart
beneath the blanket of
flannel hanging loosely
over her broad shoulders;
a match made in heaven,
she’d struggle to cope;
her day was long and full
of failure,
a strain in her throat from
choking back the tears and screams
pursuing a vocal peak,
and I’d soothe her;
slipping my golden tongue
into her welcoming mouth,
Her shoulders would drop
and she’d embrace me,
hug me so close to her heart
and promise to never let me go
no matter how much
I was killing her,
no matter how much I ruined
her life.

Spiraling In The Storm

Depression is a bitch of a feeling.
Selfishly stealing any glimmer of hope and elation,
Succeeding in revealing the deepest of darkest holes
in the souls of all its casualties;
Choking on the muffled cries for help.

The grueling attempts to smile and comfort the surrounding nobodies fail
and are replaced instead with
deep sobs, somber thoughts and the urge
to purge the body of every ounce of life within itself,
leaving the hollow case of supposed
normality ignorantly believed  and received by its peers.

And yet, the fright brings relief as the black
sheet cloaking its being loosens its hold
around the neck of its victim
Allowing a gust of air
Big breath in
Big breath out
Surviving the unexpected attack.

Depression is a bitch of a feeling