In-between Grief

I’m sorry you’re here

And you can’t leave this place

Your hearts tied between moving

Forward and remembering their face

In every case where

You’ve tried

Then you cried

Cause they lied when they said it’d be okay

That while you won’t forget the day

You’ll somehow figure out how to live again

When you barely want to breathe again

It’s like sharp glass to the lungs under water

Trapped in your life and you won’t be free again

They swore that you’d be “you” again

It’s only a matter of time

But you struggle each minute passing

And I’m so sorry

That you cannot leave this place

Where your only hope from day to day

Is to see their face

Forever Goodnight

Sing me to sleep, mama
way deep down to rest
Pressed against your chest

Sing me to sleep, mama
melodic tones to sway
warming voice while still I lay

Sing me to sleep, mama
wrapped so tight, in blankets plenty
one more minute turns to twenty

Sing me to sleep, mama
ready not to let me go
heartbeat thumps a steady slow

Sing me to sleep, mama

Box

I got a box of your things,
express-shipped grief,
that for a while I couldn’t bring myself to open
until I did

And I held your hat in my hands
and stuffed the fabric to my face,
unbothered by the tears that gathered at my chin
because it smelled just like you

I could hear your laugh the harder I squeezed it
and see your smile the longer I closed my eyes
Each time I breathed in, blissful ignorance disrupted
with the reality that you’re not there

Into the memory I tried to climb
into the one where you’re wearing your hat
and laughing so big at my attempts to warn you
how chaotically not fashionable that hat is;
was,
but you love it so much that you wear it anyway
smiling all the while, and me too, because after all, it’s you.

Until slowly my smile faded
while I stared at the memory of you,
while my hands held the proof
and my heart carried the weight
of resonating reminders that you’re still not here
and won’t be any more.

Calling Crows

Crows, crows

that fly in the sky,

if you fair good luck

please fly back by,

if you fair good luck

please stay close, near

If you are a symbol

of those I miss dear

A Negation of Sorts

Swollen memories send shivers quaking down your crooked spine

clouded thoughts electrify and overlap the frame of time

Alert the demons tickling beneath the skin’s fragile surface

sweat beads glade along your temples with an aggravated purpose

Irrationality gives comfort where reality exists

Repeat with might and do believe that ignorance is truly bliss

Surrounded in the scent of dreamt up pleasantry and plight’s allure

A plastic smile secured to face will distract all who are unsure

Hands sprained from long overworking, inner walls won’t build themselves

Hide behind your lies when talking, your heart rests broken on a shelf

I Am Ghost

“I’m right here
I’m not going anywhere”
I lied
My voice a mere whisper in the wind against his cheek
The breeze caused a flutter of his lashes against his tear soak pillow
Hours of sobbing lay evident on his cheeks
“I’ll always be here”
I pressed my hand against his back and watched the chill bumps
form on his arm
A whimper escaped his parted lips
and I kissed him one last time
My invisible love flooding through the air
unable to land

Remembering My Mother

I just remember she was mad
And then we had a dog
There were a lot of times like that
My favorite part of looking back
were the moments most unplanned
Like when she pulled us out of school to
escape to Disneyland and we couldn’t even believe it
We thought it was a trick to get us to the dentist office without pitching a fit
But it wasn’t
And it was the moment we were spinning in the pink teacup
smiling crazy cause just hours prior we were counting down to recess that
we realized we’d struck gold in our mother
Her imperfect perfection and abundance of compassion
often left us punishing ourselves for the poor choices we’d made as letting her down
actually hurt
And as the time went by and our minds got older, so did she
But life gets greedy and made a meal of her soul way before we were old enough to understand that there is no control to the time of parting
Only the acceptance
And without that step, the memories are hard
The memories hurt,
Dried tears on our shirt when we’d reminisce years later reminded us that we’re still a long way from being okay
And that grief is a timeless son of a bitch

In A Memory

“Who are you these days?
Besides impossible to love”
Words spewed out harsh
Taking no prisoners

Bitter tongues taste no sugar
and she learned that young
Careful in response with the
sword in her mouth

“We’ve all but changed,
just grown too cozy in this
familiar bond that once held heat”
Choking, she froze
Silence retreats

“But from all of your faults, I’ve found admiration”

Her retort spawned surprise
His attention direct
Clutching his heart as his eyes
pierced into hers
Twenty long years later and she still had a way of stopping his heart

“Forgive me, please, Love”
A faint whisper to the heavens as he crossed the room and collected
the photo
The same memory playing on loop as he paced through the house
Desperate for her impossible return

Agony Knows No Mercy

Tucked neat beneath my bosom
my little pea
coddled by the wind, we sway
its true
the instant you existed, I burst with breath
oxygen filled my lungs and coiled around my throat
and I expelled
with no conditions
a sob of acceptance for my reason of being
and here we sit amidst the bed of soil
evil in its patience
awaiting my loosened embrace
to lay you to your final rest

Yeah, Life Happens.

Photo Credit to Kimberly Packard- Entitled “Letting Go”

When I was fifteen my mother left towards the skies,
her last breath before my eyes left me weak and compromised;
in a hiatus of emotion,
I was left to analyze
often crying out “Oh why,
do the good ones have to die?”
Angered when the response was silence,
resulting in violence,
drawing lines against the veins on my wrists;
the blood sparkling like diamonds.
It was mindless,
but it was the only control that I had
on the pain that I was suffering,
I had already lost my dad.
Steadily scribbling in my notepad only occupied me for moments;
interruptions from the others who would grant me their condolence.
It was like the time was frozen and I just couldn’t understand
that everything that I had planned had just halted to an end.
After some time to comprehend the bumps life had to offer,
the bruises and the scrapes collected,
I started to stand taller.
All the wounds were getting smaller,
And I could happily say that I had moved on and moved up
I was finally okay;
Yeah, life happens.