In-between Grief

I’m sorry you’re here

And you can’t leave this place

Your hearts tied between moving

Forward and remembering their face

In every case where

You’ve tried

Then you cried

Cause they lied when they said it’d be okay

That while you won’t forget the day

You’ll somehow figure out how to live again

When you barely want to breathe again

It’s like sharp glass to the lungs under water

Trapped in your life and you won’t be free again

They swore that you’d be “you” again

It’s only a matter of time

But you struggle each minute passing

And I’m so sorry

That you cannot leave this place

Where your only hope from day to day

Is to see their face

Forever Goodnight

Sing me to sleep, mama
way deep down to rest
Pressed against your chest

Sing me to sleep, mama
melodic tones to sway
warming voice while still I lay

Sing me to sleep, mama
wrapped so tight, in blankets plenty
one more minute turns to twenty

Sing me to sleep, mama
ready not to let me go
heartbeat thumps a steady slow

Sing me to sleep, mama

Box

I got a box of your things,
express-shipped grief,
that for a while I couldn’t bring myself to open
until I did

And I held your hat in my hands
and stuffed the fabric to my face,
unbothered by the tears that gathered at my chin
because it smelled just like you

I could hear your laugh the harder I squeezed it
and see your smile the longer I closed my eyes
Each time I breathed in, blissful ignorance disrupted
with the reality that you’re not there

Into the memory I tried to climb
into the one where you’re wearing your hat
and laughing so big at my attempts to warn you
how chaotically not fashionable that hat is;
was,
but you love it so much that you wear it anyway
smiling all the while, and me too, because after all, it’s you.

Until slowly my smile faded
while I stared at the memory of you,
while my hands held the proof
and my heart carried the weight
of resonating reminders that you’re still not here
and won’t be any more.

Calling Crows

Crows, crows

that fly in the sky,

if you fair good luck

please fly back by,

if you fair good luck

please stay close, near

If you are a symbol

of those I miss dear

Sorry, I Won’t Make It

The realization that I can’t be there hits like a ton of bricks
A cruel and sudden reality that I expected, no less,
but still literally rocks my core;
so much so that the nausea arises in a violent uproar.

My stomach twists tightly to the left,
writhing itself away from the the direction of the heart-wrench.
But all it really does is make my earlier meal
of water and half a cup of rice race towards the back of my throat
where it sits on escape-ready.

My heart is doing all kinds of nonsense;
skipping beats, racing like Seabiscuit, or even at times stopping all together.
Is it a heart attack?
With the way my luck is going, I could only be so lucky.

But of course, it’s mostly anxiety.
The kind that sends a jumble of words sprinting through my mind;
intrusive and impulsive thoughts alike
frolicking near the execute button,
but I’ve managed control still, somehow.

That’s how I’ve come to find myself lying in the middle of my bedroom floor;
sprawled out like a starfish at the bottom of the ocean.

I’d rather be a starfish.

Please Be A Nightmare

My head is too loud
and it’s going too fast about things
that I don’t want to be real

but what I want doesn’t matter and hasn’t for a while
and that’s been fine until now
and all I can ask for
just this one time
is for it all to be a nightmare

because this can’t be a dream
and even nightmares don’t last forever
at some point the dreamer wakes up in a stupor
with a sweat on their brow, surrounded by their pillows
and the realization that none of it was real
that it was all in their heads
where it belongs, where it should stay
because the way this bad news screams
the way it drowns out every instinctual distraction
and each attempt to compartmentalize these feelings
into the box way in the back
where it’s too dark and dusty to see
and too old to speak or hear
each attempt blocked by the louder voice in my head
shouting to be seen
screaming “this is real”
so loud that its deafening

my heart can feel each syllable of every word
and with every beat, it rips that much more
and I convince myself that if I hold it together just a little longer
I’ll get to the part where none of this were real
and everything will go back to before

and then there’s that incessant noise of truth again
shifting the blood in my veins like the waves in a storm
clashing against my skin
sending me into a dizzy mess within myself
shushing the thunderous voice in my head
as I gasp for air
and beg for this all to be a nightmare

Sudden Quietus

through the cracks a stem erupts
a green so green it brought good luck
ere’ on this day, joy danced a spry
her soul did leap, but much too high

into the winds above the trees
submerged in clouds, above the seas
bairn of Artemis, newly returned
now offspring oft mourn, hard lessons learned

aburst from stem, a bud erupts
a purple so purple it brought good luck
ere’ on this day, joy danced a spry
her soul did leap, but much too high

Run For It

He leapt up from the curb
a rush of blood flowed to his brain
“G’afternoon officer” he barely blurbed
as the blue suit man came into his frame

“Have you been drinking,” suit’s reply
not up for small talk on this night
“because it’s not noon” suit declared
suit’s hand moving towards his side

He heard a buzzing in his head
the lights glared from the suit’s black car
“maybe I’ll book it” , coyly thought
“but I won’t make it very far”

Before a blink of the suit’s eye
he made a dash towards the west
“the suit in action was no lie”
he thought as he was laid to rest.

Finding Irony

A chuckle left her lips softly as a crimson stream formed a perfect oval beneath her back;
her eyes seemed lost in a hazy glazed panic mixed with just my luck;
the glimmer from the pin on her vest shimmered beneath the fluorescent bulbs staring down at her body
and everything seemed ironic and it only made her laugh more madly, villainous even to the ear nearby
because all she could manage, all she would allow herself to see, was the ear of whom she knew was a stranger,
but a lifeless ear was better left un-stared;
There was a ringing; distorted shrieks from the bang a few minutes prior, but she could barely remember it all somehow;
Perhaps because the oval beneath her had grown, like her laugh,
sparking jealous tears to push from the corners of her eyes, teasing the same glimmer from the pin on her vest
“Happy Birthday”, it read.

I’ve Found Fire

I’ve found fire through the coldness of her warm hands
flame so hot and bright, white light projects across the sky
water dripping from her fingertips making oceans near her feet
and there I stand, my hands cradling around her own
not a word shared between, let the silence be renown
She shivered into the air, her breath a gust of raging wind
Anger escaping from within
Her frame, still a cold, delicate mess
The light in her eyes grabbing at me, again, just as it had at dawn
I searched within her honey filled eyes for the words her lips were too blue to say
The fire in her palms growing yet her body, glistening ice
“I’ve found fire” she thought so hard I heard it travel from her mind
And into mine, but in that instant, a sleep befell her
The fire through the coldness of her warm hands
with the flame so hot and bright that white light projected across the sky
slipped between her fingers, beneath her knuckles
and tucked itself into my palms
setting loose a raging anger within