Final Prayer

Laying down, staring at the ceiling
Can you hear me God?
My body’s drained of all its feeling
Are you near me God?
Can’t find the place to put the blame
My heart is weary God
Won’t give me more than I can handle
Please speak more clearly God
It’s like you take more than you give
It makes me hateful God
I went through years, no place to live
And I ain’t grateful God
Spent hours crying in the closet
“Don’t let him find me God”
He choked me til’ I was close to dying
Don’t lead me blindly God
Bloodied and beaten black and blue
You watched me struggle God
Still I returned and prayed to you
I remained humble God
Walked right through fire, hell on earth
It’s never easy God
I understand you have a plan
But what’s the reason God?
For sleepless nights brought on by fear
What will it teach me God?
When all my loved ones disappeared
Who’s left to grieve me God?
Torn down from mind to both my feet
I’m merely pieces God
Depressed and accepting defeat
My will, it ceases God
That man, he’s found me once again
And so I called you God
Reminisced before the end
I’m trying to stall too God
Though I am angry, I’m not ready
Why can’t you see that God?
I’m trying daily to be better
I really mean that God
I can’t believe that this has happened
Is this all real God?
I know you’re known for your hard tests
This ones a steal though God
I’ve no more strength, I feel the sleep
It’s growing nearer God
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep”
Hello, I’m here now God

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Victim

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?

Gave ultimatums and prayed that he would choose me

Night after night he would scream, yell and then bruise me

But I still loved him and that part always confused me

Wore things he liked so that he’d want to pursue me

He’d often swear that he’d die if he’d ever lose me

And then we’d fight and he’d find reasons to accuse me 

Then buy me flowers, he always knew just how to woo me

His punching bag became his favourite way to use me

My swollen lips I’d just accepted as the new me

It all got worse as he started to black and blue me

Told me he’d put me somewhere no one could ever view me

Fear outweighed love and the rage, it overthrew me

I forced his gun to my head, urged him to shoot me

He put his hands around my neck and then he threw me

Against the floor, I cried no more as he ran through me

Life left my eyes, free from myself, I was a new me

Soul to the sky, he watched me die and whispered to me

“It’s all your fault, I would have stopped if you refused me”

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?

Clown

He stood on the opposite side of the door

Just standing there

A clown in the hallway

Feeling squirmy and chilled with fear

I squeezed and lept back

“I ain’t goin’ near…” slipped as a whisper cause if it’d hear

I’d be over

As, just standing there was

A clown in the hallway

Lighter than down, I stepped on the adjacent tile of the kitchen

A slow frown spread quick at the sound of the metal sliding through the air,

Whooshing inches near my gown, slinging slowly and fair

Because

Just standing there was

A clown in the hallway

That stiffened smile sent chills down my spine

For its way too big to be honest

No one is that happy all of the time

Quick thinking through my mind to find the bravery stored deep in the freezer near fine

As, just standing there was

A clown in the hallway

Calling upon the same heavens I had mocked in the past

I approached the door steady and fast to startle and defeat the cause of my personal cast of nightmares

As, just standing there was
A clown in the hallway

A quick leap forward caused the glass to break as a knife doesn’t do too well against mirrors.

Witness

Privy
And boastful
I revel in your damning chaos
A life made most of murder
Of monstrous nightmares
Demons drenched in odious dogmas
set through curse; death as life
A private viewing of my choosing
Quenches all devilish thirsts
In the shadows, crevice of the room
Gazing
And awed
Caught up in the victim and the pleasure in your dilated blues
Wisps of red streaks arch angrily toward your chin
Prey emptied and free of fluid
A slick lick of your lips signifies hunger
Still famished
Ravenous
And I, filled with envy,
Slip back into truth
My dark fairytale scrawled eagerly across the page

Remembering My Mother

I just remember she was mad
And then we had a dog
There were a lot of times like that
My favorite part of looking back
were the moments most unplanned
Like when she pulled us out of school to
escape to Disneyland and we couldn’t even believe it
We thought it was a trick to get us to the dentist office without pitching a fit
But it wasn’t
And it was the moment we were spinning in the pink teacup
smiling crazy cause just hours prior we were counting down to recess that
we realized we’d struck gold in our mother
Her imperfect perfection and abundance of compassion
often left us punishing ourselves for the poor choices we’d made as letting her down
actually hurt
And as the time went by and our minds got older, so did she
But life gets greedy and made a meal of her soul way before we were old enough to understand that there is no control to the time of parting
Only the acceptance
And without that step, the memories are hard
The memories hurt,
Dried tears on our shirt when we’d reminisce years later reminded us that we’re still a long way from being okay
And that grief is a timeless son of a bitch

In A Memory

“Who are you these days?
Besides impossible to love”
Words spewed out harsh
Taking no prisoners

Bitter tongues taste no sugar
and she learned that young
Careful in response with the
sword in her mouth

“We’ve all but changed,
just grown too cozy in this
familiar bond that once held heat”
Choking, she froze
Silence retreats

“But from all of your faults, I’ve found admiration”

Her retort spawned surprise
His attention direct
Clutching his heart as his eyes
pierced into hers
Twenty long years later and she still had a way of stopping his heart

“Forgive me, please, Love”
A faint whisper to the heavens as he crossed the room and collected
the photo
The same memory playing on loop as he paced through the house
Desperate for her impossible return

Brenda

Brenda laid her head down on the pillow
Wearied from the week she’d had
Yet
Grateful that she’d seen another
Trusting in life so deceptively that her routine to wake the next morning felt sure
She found herself eyes shut tight
Breathe in, breathe out
Off into the world of interim sleep
Where she sauntered slowly across the desert
The warmth sustained comfortably low
A temperature too perfect for too long to be real
For in a dream like this, pure pleasantries trailed
And she assumed, yet again
That the routine to wake would follow shortly after
Knowing not of her slowing heartbeat to ensue a few short hours into her innocent slumber
That would trap her in this stage of solitude eternally