Affliction in the Alley

Just as I’ve made you, I’ll break you

he promised in her memory playing on loop

there she stood

back alley damp from a sweating sky as the nameless man from the bar tugged at the lace beneath her dress

as he pried her thighs apart, her eyes shut tight

the reel of fights sped through her mind

his fist plowing towards her face as he held her firm by the neck

breath full of boos and heart filled with coal, he’d name call

shameful how he’d blame her for all of his downfalls

You’re good for nothing…Nothing!

“…feels so good,” croaked the unfamiliar voice interrupting her past

His rapid bumping a sign of presence

her feelings lay mute

Numb

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Imaginary Quick Sand

Mama told me to go outside
and shut the door real good
so that I could play as loud as
I wanted,
but I knew she just didn’t want me
to see daddy take his hands
to her again;
make her eyes racooned again;
make his voice bark loud again;
because she keeps giving
herself bad medicine
with that needle when
he leaves to
see his lady friend.
“I don’t hear you playing,”
she yelled before slamming
the window
shut
and chucking the vase, or picture
frame, or whatever was near,
at daddy’s head;
Something she’ll replace while she’s
wearing sunglasses
in the supermarket next time
we go out to get daddy’s favourite
I’m sorry foods.
I dig my hands into the cool mud and
pretend its quick sand.
“Pull me under,” I scream
so mama knows I’m playing
and not
listening
to her cries and daddy’s booming
voice.

“Pull me under, quick.”

Silencing Her Soul

Just wait

Don’t wait

Listen

Don’t listen

He’s changed

He really hasn’t and you know it

Everyone deserves a second chance

Its his ninth

He didn’t mean it

He swore he did

He kissed my cheek

After he struck it

He holds my heart

He breaks your soul

If I leave he’ll kill me

If you stay you’ll die

He’s my world

He’s your problems

I can’t go

You can’t stay

Help

Help

He’ll find me

I’ve got you

I’m scared and I’m weak

You’re brave and you’re strong

I’m not ready

This isn’t living

But–

Just go

I love him

Just go

I’ll miss him

Just go

I need him

Just go

I can’t

Go

I can’t

Please, go

I’m sorry

Oh, no

Its okay, I forgive him

….

This time will be different

….

Hello?

Bad Love

I was supposed to scream stop
but I didn’t
My voice wouldn’t come out because I knew you
or I thought I did
Before your fingers found my throat and wrapped around me like a coat
I was sure you’d be the father to my kid
or at least you were supposed to be
But I didn’t tell you about it because that night you came home
higher than a sky scraper
And pulled me out of bed
shoved my shirt over my head
and stole my choices from me
Ripped my heart apart like paper
and my legs
The next day I did the thing I can’t say
because for once I caught a glimpse of what the future might hold
It was clear I had to get away
The tears and the blood flowed evenly for days
and you made that comment about PMS
Threw a chocolate bar at my face
and told me to stay away
until I was useful again
My womb leaked down my legs from unborn innocence
while your lust drove you mad
Raunchy comments and crude jesters made me more than uncomfortable
But it didn’t matter as long as the sex was had
for you at least
I didn’t know it could hurt to hate someone I thought I loved
The anger was there in small doses but I’d gotten used to your punches and your shoves
Finally mustered up some liquid courage
to slur out my demands
that I was done catching the blows After you sucked that powder up your nose
you laughed and said I’d need a man
eventually anyway
and that I wasn’t going anywhere
Remember the night I packed?
You grabbed my bags right out of my hands and threw them across the room along with my body
but I still left anyway
Crept down the stairs, scared and bruised
and embraced the December wind without a sweater because you hid it that day
And I cried hard that night because I thought I missed you
because I thought I knew that those were things you wouldn’t do

Final Prayer

Laying down, staring at the ceiling
Can you hear me God?
My body’s drained of all its feeling
Are you near me God?
Can’t find the place to put the blame
My heart is weary God
Won’t give me more than I can handle
Please speak more clearly God
It’s like you take more than you give
It makes me hateful God
I went through years, no place to live
And I ain’t grateful God
Spent hours crying in the closet
“Don’t let him find me God”
He choked me til’ I was close to dying
Don’t lead me blindly God
Bloodied and beaten black and blue
You watched me struggle God
Still I returned and prayed to you
I remained humble God
Walked right through fire, hell on earth
It’s never easy God
I understand you have a plan
But what’s the reason God?
For sleepless nights brought on by fear
What will it teach me God?
When all my loved ones disappeared
Who’s left to grieve me God?
Torn down from mind to both my feet
I’m merely pieces God
Depressed and accepting defeat
My will, it ceases God
That man, he’s found me once again
And so I called you God
Reminisced before the end
I’m trying to stall too God
Though I am angry, I’m not ready
Why can’t you see that God?
I’m trying daily to be better
I really mean that God
I can’t believe that this has happened
Is this all real God?
I know you’re known for your hard tests
This ones a steal though God
I’ve no more strength, I feel the sleep
It’s growing nearer God
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep”
Hello, I’m here now God

Crying Wolf

He forced into me
My mind, my thoughts, my heart

my legs

Felt around every inch inside
Memorizing each thrust of selfish joy
Dry
and depleted of happiness
With nothing left to give

He scavenged, ripping down my walls
Discovering and destroying my center
Drawn blood a bonus, showed signs of rough play
“She can handle rough play”
He whispered, escaping deeper within me
My own voice weakened from unfortunate circles

Pumping

Slamming

Faster until his pleasure succumbed
Crashing on top of me
I can’t breathe
Him gasping in orgasmic glory

“Help”

Beneath his weight, crushing
My breath, slowing
emptied out, a complete void left of me
And he walked away and never returned

neither did I

Victim

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?

Gave ultimatums and prayed that he would choose me

Night after night he would scream, yell and then bruise me

But I still loved him and that part always confused me

Wore things he liked so that he’d want to pursue me

He’d often swear that he’d die if he’d ever lose me

And then we’d fight and he’d find reasons to accuse me 

Then buy me flowers, he always knew just how to woo me

His punching bag became his favourite way to use me

My swollen lips I’d just accepted as the new me

It all got worse as he started to black and blue me

Told me he’d put me somewhere no one could ever view me

Fear outweighed love and the rage, it overthrew me

I forced his gun to my head, urged him to shoot me

He put his hands around my neck and then he threw me

Against the floor, I cried no more as he ran through me

Life left my eyes, free from myself, I was a new me

Soul to the sky, he watched me die and whispered to me

“It’s all your fault, I would have stopped if you refused me”

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?