Bad Love

I was supposed to scream stop
but I didn’t
My voice wouldn’t come out because I knew you
or I thought I did
Before your fingers found my throat and wrapped around me like a coat
I was sure you’d be the father to my kid
or at least you were supposed to be
But I didn’t tell you about it because that night you came home
higher than a sky scraper
And pulled me out of bed
shoved my shirt over my head
and stole my choices from me
Ripped my heart apart like paper
and my legs
The next day I did the thing I can’t say
because for once I caught a glimpse of what the future might hold
It was clear I had to get away
The tears and the blood flowed evenly for days
and you made that comment about PMS
Threw a chocolate bar at my face
and told me to stay away
until I was useful again
My womb leaked down my legs from unborn innocence
while your lust drove you mad
Raunchy comments and crude jesters made me more than uncomfortable
But it didn’t matter as long as the sex was had
for you at least
I didn’t know it could hurt to hate someone I thought I loved
The anger was there in small doses but I’d gotten used to your punches and your shoves
Finally mustered up some liquid courage
to slur out my demands
that I was done catching the blows After you sucked that powder up your nose
you laughed and said I’d need a man
eventually anyway
and that I wasn’t going anywhere
Remember the night I packed?
You grabbed my bags right out of my hands and threw them across the room along with my body
but I still left anyway
Crept down the stairs, scared and bruised
and embraced the December wind without a sweater because you hid it that day
And I cried hard that night because I thought I missed you
because I thought I knew that those were things you wouldn’t do

Final Prayer

Laying down, staring at the ceiling
Can you hear me God?
My body’s drained of all its feeling
Are you near me God?
Can’t find the place to put the blame
My heart is weary God
Won’t give me more than I can handle
Please speak more clearly God
It’s like you take more than you give
It makes me hateful God
I went through years, no place to live
And I ain’t grateful God
Spent hours crying in the closet
“Don’t let him find me God”
He choked me til’ I was close to dying
Don’t lead me blindly God
Bloodied and beaten black and blue
You watched me struggle God
Still I returned and prayed to you
I remained humble God
Walked right through fire, hell on earth
It’s never easy God
I understand you have a plan
But what’s the reason God?
For sleepless nights brought on by fear
What will it teach me God?
When all my loved ones disappeared
Who’s left to grieve me God?
Torn down from mind to both my feet
I’m merely pieces God
Depressed and accepting defeat
My will, it ceases God
That man, he’s found me once again
And so I called you God
Reminisced before the end
I’m trying to stall too God
Though I am angry, I’m not ready
Why can’t you see that God?
I’m trying daily to be better
I really mean that God
I can’t believe that this has happened
Is this all real God?
I know you’re known for your hard tests
This ones a steal though God
I’ve no more strength, I feel the sleep
It’s growing nearer God
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep”
Hello, I’m here now God

Crying Wolf

He forced into me
My mind, my thoughts, my heart

my legs

Felt around every inch inside
Memorizing each thrust of selfish joy
Dry
and depleted of happiness
With nothing left to give

He scavenged, ripping down my walls
Discovering and destroying my center
Drawn blood a bonus, showed signs of rough play
“She can handle rough play”
He whispered, escaping deeper within me
My own voice weakened from unfortunate circles

Pumping

Slamming

Faster until his pleasure succumbed
Crashing on top of me
I can’t breathe
Him gasping in orgasmic glory

“Help”

Beneath his weight, crushing
My breath, slowing
emptied out, a complete void left of me
And he walked away and never returned

neither did I

Victim

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?

Gave ultimatums and prayed that he would choose me

Night after night he would scream, yell and then bruise me

But I still loved him and that part always confused me

Wore things he liked so that he’d want to pursue me

He’d often swear that he’d die if he’d ever lose me

And then we’d fight and he’d find reasons to accuse me 

Then buy me flowers, he always knew just how to woo me

His punching bag became his favourite way to use me

My swollen lips I’d just accepted as the new me

It all got worse as he started to black and blue me

Told me he’d put me somewhere no one could ever view me

Fear outweighed love and the rage, it overthrew me

I forced his gun to my head, urged him to shoot me

He put his hands around my neck and then he threw me

Against the floor, I cried no more as he ran through me

Life left my eyes, free from myself, I was a new me

Soul to the sky, he watched me die and whispered to me

“It’s all your fault, I would have stopped if you refused me”

Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?

Crystallizing Moments: viii.

Come on
You’re doing it again
Letting him talk to you like that
You’re not useless
And you are beautiful
Toughen up that inner ninja
You promised you wouldn’t let it happen like this again
No more excuses for him
No more stocking up on bandages and peroxide, telling yourself it’s just for the first aid kit
The bruises are there,
Overthrowing your heart,
and now you’re living on fear and pain
You can’t do that anymore
You promised

You promised.

Amidst The Night

Pardon me,
I hate to be the one to rouse you from your slumber,
but do rise,
for He comes hastily with much chaos to spread;
Come hither now sweet child, no time for fear or shuffling feet,
We must ascend towards the attic’s arms,
our breathing softer than goose down,
Listen as He stirs the room, feet heavier than boulders;
His scent thick like molasses of the spiced rum He’s consumed;
Hide away here for the night, worry not of the shadows,
for each night occurring after will be met with my misty presence,
as I’ll slip away from my lonely slab tucked deep within the forest graves.

Love Me Tender

Crush me good, baby

I like how it hurts

When my flesh breaks beneath your knuckles

And swells blue in protest

Burn me good, honey

Drag my name through the mud

Spread your lies like my legs

Though you lack my consent

Push me good, sweetie

Further away from all I know

Isolate my mind

And ensure no one can help

Kill me good, darling

Dress me with your finest ring

I’ll wear  it proud around my neck

Until my eyes seal close forever