I was supposed to scream stop
but I didn’t
My voice wouldn’t come out because I knew you
or I thought I did
Before your fingers found my throat and wrapped around me like a coat
I was sure you’d be the father to my kid
or at least you were supposed to be
But I didn’t tell you about it because that night you came home
higher than a sky scraper
And pulled me out of bed
shoved my shirt over my head
and stole my choices from me
Ripped my heart apart like paper
and my legs
The next day I did the thing I can’t say
because for once I caught a glimpse of what the future might hold
It was clear I had to get away
The tears and the blood flowed evenly for days
and you made that comment about PMS
Threw a chocolate bar at my face
and told me to stay away
until I was useful again
My womb leaked down my legs from unborn innocence
while your lust drove you mad
Raunchy comments and crude jesters made me more than uncomfortable
But it didn’t matter as long as the sex was had
for you at least
I didn’t know it could hurt to hate someone I thought I loved
The anger was there in small doses but I’d gotten used to your punches and your shoves
Finally mustered up some liquid courage
to slur out my demands
that I was done catching the blows After you sucked that powder up your nose
you laughed and said I’d need a man
eventually anyway
and that I wasn’t going anywhere
Remember the night I packed?
You grabbed my bags right out of my hands and threw them across the room along with my body
but I still left anyway
Crept down the stairs, scared and bruised
and embraced the December wind without a sweater because you hid it that day
And I cried hard that night because I thought I missed you
because I thought I knew that those were things you wouldn’t do
Hate
Victim
Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?
Gave ultimatums and prayed that he would choose me
Night after night he would scream, yell and then bruise me
But I still loved him and that part always confused me
Wore things he liked so that he’d want to pursue me
He’d often swear that he’d die if he’d ever lose me
And then we’d fight and he’d find reasons to accuse me
Then buy me flowers, he always knew just how to woo me
His punching bag became his favourite way to use me
My swollen lips I’d just accepted as the new me
It all got worse as he started to black and blue me
Told me he’d put me somewhere no one could ever view me
Fear outweighed love and the rage, it overthrew me
I forced his gun to my head, urged him to shoot me
He put his hands around my neck and then he threw me
Against the floor, I cried no more as he ran through me
Life left my eyes, free from myself, I was a new me
Soul to the sky, he watched me die and whispered to me
“It’s all your fault, I would have stopped if you refused me”
Am I the victim if I let him abuse me?
Crystallizing Moments: viii.
Come on
You’re doing it again
Letting him talk to you like that
You’re not useless
And you are beautiful
Toughen up that inner ninja
You promised you wouldn’t let it happen like this again
No more excuses for him
No more stocking up on bandages and peroxide, telling yourself it’s just for the first aid kit
The bruises are there,
Overthrowing your heart,
and now you’re living on fear and pain
You can’t do that anymore
You promised
You promised.
Bad Medicine
You are like water in my lungs,
I breathe you down fast
and suffocate on all the ways you bring out the worst in me;
To go without you warrants far worse
excruciating pain spurring numbness to my limbs and
tingles to the lips with every kiss we don’t need;
Time between the sheets pour unforgettable memories
down every inch of my body
Goosebumps to your touch
Razors in my heart
And I hate you so good that I love you,
for you spark the death in me that makes me
want to live
